Handling Anger Resulting from... the Rage of the Rejected Male
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Mike Pillinski
Author, High Status Male
(Drawn from the Q&A Author's Forum...)
Hi Mike,
I identified a great culprit in my social interactions with women, and
that is all the hidden anger that has bottled up since I was a kid.
You know what I am talking about -- every guy who can't get laid has
this problem. You mention it in passing in your book, but I
believe you don't give it enough emphasis.
Having a negative attitude toward people because of all this anger is
even worse than being shy. Although they are in minority, there
are attractive women who find shyness in men endearing, but they
certainly do not find negativity and anger endearing. In order to
interact with a woman on an emotional level without faking it, I end up
revealing not only my interest in her, but also all the bitterness that
is stored inside me as well.
A few days ago, I was involved in a situation that required me to be
assertive but not necessarily pleasing to the other person I was dealing
with, and this created a profusely intense anger inside of me.
When things don't go my way, I am easily thrown out of balance and then
all the good advice you give in your book is useless.
There are times when I feel quite good about myself, but most of the
time I am constantly on edge because of this seething rage.
How did you manage (or did you?) to shake off all that bitterness from
your days as a lonely and self-conscious LSM? I find it's
hard to forgive when there is no apology coming my way. I
have an intense feeling that the world owes me, and when it fails to
make a payment, more anger gets stored under my hood. I
really don't know how to deal with this crap. Being aware of it is
half the battle I guess (I wasn't even aware how much hidden anger
interfered with my attitude until now!), but what to DO about it?
Alan
Hi Al,
You are correct my friend... anger and bitterness are a major
controlling factor with guys like us -- and it's indeed probably a worse
problem than actual shyness when you get right down to it.
Sometimes it gets to the point where after a few minutes of conversation
you just want to strangle some of these crazy bitches... the rage of
the rejected male!
Your question got me thinking though... anger alone can't be such a huge
turnoff to women because many of them are more than willing to hook up
with these nasty bastard bikers, ex-cons, drunks and druggies who
mistreat them 24/7. Still they "love" them no matter what (it's
called co-dependency, a common sickness of the female spirit). I'm
wondering if maybe it's not so much the anger but the FOCUS of the anger
that turns them off. The bad boys I just described have most of
their anger focused at society and authority -- they are
rebels who scorn the rules. This gives them just a little sniff
of danger that is sexy and attractive to a lot of women... they get
taken in by the fantasy of being near this type of guy and the "us vs.
them" excitement he promises.
Bitter guys, on the other hand, seem to have most of their anger
focused towards other PEOPLE rather than the institutions of authority
-- and this turns women off because it makes these sort of dudes scary
in a more personal way than the rebel bad boy. A guy like
this can swing between emotional withdrawal and then suddenly go off in
the opposite direction and become neurotically attached to her in the
blink of an eye. "Bitter Guy" seems more likely to become a
stalker and create problems for her if she breaks up with him as well.
Again, this isn't a 100% sure thing in every case... it's just what I
suspect many women imagine when they encounter a guy who comes across as
sulky and embittered, as opposed to merely "rebel-angry" at the world.
As for how to control this low level seething rage... this is the
$64,000 question of course. An entire drug and therapy industry
has arisen to try and mitigate the two most common emotions that plague
the mental life of many people -- depression and anger. Well,
they've got lots of pills out there for depression now -- but anger
still seems too difficult for them to control with the exception of
powerful sedatives to medicate the extremely violent personality.
Extreme or not, anger's a problem if it messes up your ability to live
your life to its maximum potential. You are correct that
being aware of this anger can help to control it by engaging your
logical mind to set up a defense, but anger -- being deeply primal -- is
still troubling even when its being suppressed. It needs to
be made to disappear somehow.
The idea that the world owes you an apology for anything is misguided
thinking that can be traced directly back to the Ego. Ego
Inflation in some men is a kind of mental compensation designed to ward
off the pain of being a low status male and having been beaten down
(both figuratively and literally) by other men during most of your life.
The notion that: "I'm superior to you and you suck even though you've
somehow found a way to dominate and boss over me..." is a survival
mechanism in a sense. To keep from being destroyed, the Ego
creates an internal fantasy of Self Superiority to protect itself -- but
it keeps getting angered because the real world consistently fails to
supply it with the veneration that it "deserves".
See how crazy all this is when you slice it open and cast the light of
logic on it?
My next bit of advice might sound crazy but here goes: this type
of unfocused anger can almost always be stunned by a
psychological shock to the system
of sorts -- something that puts your own internal reality to question by
placing it in context with the larger human experience. In
this case I mean exposing yourself to individuals who've REALLY got
something to be bitter about. Try signing up for some
volunteer work with the less fortunate for a weekend -- a homeless
shelter or soup kitchen. Go visit a children's hospital in your
area and see if they need help doing anything to help entertain the
kids. These little guys and girls will shatter the coldest stone
heart to pieces in an instant.
If you can't get into something like this, then just consider the plight
of our men in harm's way out in Iraq. Many of these soldiers (guys
your own age probably) have made the ultimate sacrifice -- and I'm not
talking about the ones who've come home in a box. I mean the dudes
who will have to figure out how to manage with a prosthetic arm or leg
for the rest of their potentially long lives, or the ones who've
suffered concussive brain injuries that will likely condemn them to
popping pills for life.
All I'm saying is that if the world ever starts doling out apologies,
guys like you and me with our Little League case of "bitterness" will be
standing way at the back of a very long line. I hope all this
helps to get you thinking along some different lines. Take care
buddy.
Mike Pillinski
High Status Male
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About the author:
Reformed "social nerd" Mike Pilinski overcame an incredible case of rejection phobia by learning how to mimic behaviors and attitudes that women universally find attractive in so-called high status or "alpha" males. Visit Mike's website High Status Male where you'll find his highly acclaimed e-books "Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Seduction System" and "She's Yours For The Taking: A Man's Guide to the Seduction and Enchantment of Women".